12 days left of passage through the candy realms
we chocolate bar to get through the skittles. thank god we've had some chocolate chip cookies. the days are getting so damn gummy
going raw into substack for a moment- something i never do. i used to write in a google doc for a couple days, edit throughout the week, and post. lately, the last few essays i’ve stewed on and re-written edited for around a month before posting. i thought there was a tradeoff to be made in every piece of writing: you get quality or you get quantity. the words come fast but they’re mediocre or the words take time but they mean something. that’s what a writer stews on for a month. but i havent been a writer in the past month- i’ve been a devisor, an actor, producer, friend, helper, employee, guitarist, singer, reader of the news, poster of instagram stories, player of the NYT mini games, amateur comedian, texter, dreamer, creative, watcher of classic horror movies, the classic ones because if it was made before 1970 it literally isn’t scary and i’m not as good with scary as i wish i could be. i havent been a writer because im doing a play right now. it’s called “concessions: the play-” sorry not concessions, the play. It’s called “Concessions: the Show: a journey through the four kingdoms of the candy realm.” it’s one of the most ambitious projects i’ve ever been a part of. there’s music, dance, and dialogue of absurd, ridiculous theatre that swivels and barks loud, pivoting and twisting on a dime. it’s also very beautiful, and very meaningful to me. the creator of the play is a new friend of mine, Kel. the play is even more meaningful to them.
For Kel’s play, I’m wearing a few hats. The play is going up as part of Spaghetti Fest at the Elysian Theater. It’s a festival of new works. technically the performance is a workshop, but it is also a final performance. the play is about the candy realm, a dense and intricate life philosophy imparted through candy metaphor. i play the candyman, the audience and kel’s mystical guide through the candy realms. also, for the play, i play the guitar in big ballad numbers, box drum in a modern dance piece, triangle in a marvin gaye groove, and depict a character whose mind, for all intents and purposes, is fractured into millions of pieces. inherently he is not of reality. the play is directed by a miraculous, genius artist who i feel awkward about mentioning by name but he’s one of the most talented people i’ve met. kel is one of the most passionate people and most artistic souls i’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and working with. both of these collaborators, along with our dancers and technicians and friends have shown me how much is possible, how much will always be possible, how special it is to do the impossible, and how many more impossible things there are to do.
i don’t know how much to say about this play because i’m currently right in the middle of it. all i can do is hint. nothing has happened, yet. nothing is processed. there is still much to do. there is no time to write. for this play, i have learned there is no sacrifice of quantity and quality. there is always quality in the quantity. there is inherently quantity in the quality. doing an ambitious project teaches me to say yes, ignore doubt, push to bravery, redirect anxiety, exit limbo, be bold, go fast, clean up, be better, faster, make mistakes, fix mistakes, repeat, study, twist, absorb, risk, rest, spend, exert, wake up, sleep, dream, imagine, wake up, try. doing this play means i cannot write, but doing this play means i must continue to write. i must write right now. i must. there will be more to say later, but i must say something now too.
i wrote this substack in one go with very little editing. because at the moment, i am not the writer who chooses quantity or quality. I don’t have the time for either. so i create something quickly, scrappily, and i speak nonsense, and hope that speaks loudly, and tells you more than i could by tweaking, punching, rephrasing, reinterpreting, censoring, coloring, decorating, whittling away. because right now i am not a writer. this is the writing of an actor, a candyman, a guitarist, a drummer, an assistant carpenter, producer, sound recordist, a guy who has a flight in the morning, a guy whose flight last night was cancelled and gave me an extra day to clock another 9 hours in rehearsal. a guy who played guitar in a rock band today, and visited the candy realms. who does not want to edit, who does not want to think, who does not want to sleep, who does not want to clean, but really really really wants to write, right now, who will read for a few days, who will perform and rehearse and play for a few days after that, and then will perhaps have time to write something maybe more coherent but maybe less honest, maybe less ambitious, or maybe it will have the best of everything and even more. why not why not why not?