A prize-winning feline
ive learned to appreciate cats this year
This cat is lying awake. Every night, for the last ten days, he has gone to bed knowing that in the morning, there is a possibility that his life could change. Every day passes, and things have remained the same. But every single day, it is possible. So every night, he lies awake.
Tonight, he stares at the dark geometry on his ceiling. Several angular shadows of his desk and drawers appear and disappear to the light of a faulty multi-plug. This cat hates being awake, especially when it’s dark outside. For the last ten days, it’s been hard to sleep when it’s dark outside, and hard to stay awake when it’s light outside.
However, this cat doesn’t like to fight losing battles. He slinks out of bed, in the kitchen where he sleeps, his soft paws shrieking on the cold tile floor as he escapes the expectation of slumber. This cat leaps to the door handle and exits his home to walk amongst the night.
Palm trees look black against a dark purple sky, stamped with a large, cartoonish crescent moon. Stars twinkle as if stop-motion animated. They are larger than you’d expect and each have exactly five points, connected and intersected by lines that give away their secret: they are the hand drawings of adult children, who never found a better way to draw a star.
This cat hops over the cracks in the sidewalk in front of them, pacing past one hundred slabs of concrete until the palm trees fall away one by one. The crescent moon minimizes, and falls away. The stars are slowly erased. Now, this single path is the only thing, a bright and pale interruption through the purple world.
This cat walks this path, one paw in front of the other until there comes a fork in the road. Four paths emerge from this spot. At the end of each path is an open doorway, four in total, each very thinly veiled. The path beyond three of these doorways is obscured, but one doorway is lit up bright. Inside this door, this cat sees multicolored zig zags and rotating neon swirls. Coming from beyond the door are the faint noises of a party, which intrigues this cat. A feathered boa slips out, wiggles for a second, elevating this cat’s interest, then it is slowly pulled back in. This cat looks towards the other doorways, their insides still obscured. A gentle breeze disrupts the veils and this cat is able to see that beyond these doors, the sidewalk continues on to more paths, more forks, and more doorways; some are lit bright, some are still darkened and obscure.
From the bright and spectacular doorway, a luminescent green bottle rolls down the sidewalk, bouncing slightly as it hits each crack. It rolls down the path, somehow maintaining course and not falling off the edges despite the slight curves and cracks, until it bumps into this cat’s feet and halts its motion. Upon closer examination, this cat sees a string traveling from the bottom of the bottle back through the brightened doorway. It vibrates subtly. A faint aroma comes from the tip of the bottle, and this cat bends down to take a lick. Through the opening of the bottle, this cat hears a murmur. He places an ear to the opening of the bottle, and hears the sound of the ocean. Then, through the crashing waves, then against them, then overpowering them completely, a voice calls out:
Yoooo what the FUCK is UP man????? Where the fuck are you? Are you getting here- what the FUCK!!! Holy shit lets go dude, it’s sick in here- what the fuck are you waiting for, lets GOOOO GET IN HERE!! You don’t get it man, you’re acting way too casual about this- this is fucking sick, this is gonna be the best night of your life. This is literally fucking AWEEE-SOMEEEE. Like the actual literal meaning of the word like I am filled the fuck up with AWE right now. I am having a blast i fucking love this, I needed this dude, after everything I fucking neeeeeded this man. i can’t even tell you dude how good it is over here because I don’t even wanna ruin it or build up your expectations and then it doesn’t meet your expectations or something but let me tell you like, this is the GOOD. STUFF. This is everything you’ve wanted and everything you’ve been waiting for and it’s literally even better than you think it is. You literally do not wanna miss this because this shit is good- this is honest to god as good as it gets, but once you get this, everything gets even better. Even better- this is the fucking answer. This is the next level, this is the next phase, this is elevated, and if you do not have this you have not SHIITTTTT my guy. Jesus Christ what the fuck are you waiting for like, you gotta get in here man, the line is short and it’s way better in here. If you’re not in here now then you might not get in soon and that’ll fucking suckkkkk. You wanna be in here. What’s in here is really fucking good. As i’ve said, and not to belabor the point but again, as I’ve said, this is the real fucking good stuff, and honestly if you don’t get your little fucking furry litterboxed ass in here then there are gonna be huge problems. I do not wanna be that guy but unfortunately you’re really not gonna like it. You’re gonna be having a really fucking rough fucking time if you don’t come in here. You’re not gonna like it over there. It fucking sucks fucking dirty gross fucking ass anywhere that is not in here. Bad things are happening in those other doors, do not go in those fucking doors man. Those, I’m not gonna tell you again but I’m gonna tell you one more time that those are the wrong fucking doors man. Don’t be a moron. That would be so like you to be a fucking moron but I challenge you for once in your life to see past that internal limitation that keeps you at fucking dumbass moron status for once in your life and clear the hurdle, finally, and decide to not be a moron and get in these fucking doors for once because once again, not to belabor the point, but it IS SERIOUSLY JUST WAY BETTER OVER HERE MAN!!!! LIKE WHAT’S SO HARD TO GET MAN IT FUCKING ROCKS OVER HERE!!! I’M LITERALLY ABOUT TO CRY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD OVER HERE IT ROCKKSSSSS, IT’S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN AND IT MAKES LIFE WORTH IT- ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS AND SHITTY THINGS AND TIMES ARE FINALLY WORTH IT BECAUSE I’M IN HERE NOW AND I WANT THAT FOR YOU!!! THAT’S ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO GET A TASTE OF THIS GOOD STUFF MAN BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND THAT’S WHY I WANT THIS FOR YOU SO JUST GET IN HERE MAN! GET IN HERE! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW GET IN HERE GET IN GET IN IN IN IN IN IN HERE RIGHT NOW GET IN YOU DUMBASS FUCKING MORON GET IN!!!!!!!!
The sidewalk starts moving like a conveyer belt, and the doors move towards this cat. It’s clear that beyond three of the doors is more sidewalk, and who knows where those paths lead. Who knows what other doors are beyond those doors. The bright door feels too good to be true- who could possibly deserve or handle what’s beyond that bright ass door. Before this cat can make up its mind, the doors are right in front of him, moving at light-speed. The voice in the bottle continues its call:
Please just get in here I know that you want it and can’t live without it and we can’t live without you and it’s good that you’re scared but you deserve it and need it but you don’t need it but you do and you’ll have it not because you need it but because you deserve it and even if you don’t need it or deserve it you’ve earned it and it’s possible and it’s for you and it wants you and you want it and you should come take it because it’s for you and it’s all for you and there’s more coming- behind this door is sleep in the nighttime and peace in the daytime and it wants you so fucking bad, it wants you it chooses you it loves you and you love it and please come and do it right now right now right now choose it right now in one moment in one instance you pick it and its yours and that’s coming up it’s right here right-
This cat closes its eyes and rolls to the side, plunging into the bright ass door. He falls down a bright, crystalline path. It’s almost too bright to see, but this cat feels its presence at birthday parties and amongst bright lights, beautiful chords, euphoria, scratches in all the right places, good sleep, peace and joy in equal measure, and all of a sudden, the cat falls into a small, completely dark box.
The box is tiny. Now, there are thick, sturdy walls that tightly bind this cat on all sides. There is a small trace of light coming from the top of the box, indicating an opening. This cat tries to push back on the lid, but it will not budge. All of a sudden, the box is lifted into the air. It is jostled, and set down, in what reveals itself to be the back of a truck by the rumble of the engine, and the way the box rattles and hops on impact with the bumps in the road.
The cat is once again lifted in the air, and hears more murmurs from the surface, coming from those handling the box in the world outside. This box is set down with a clang, and this cat hits his head on the lid, immediately falling asleep.
After some time, hazily, this cat comes to, hearing an amplified voice booming outside the box.
“Now, there isn’t, but say there was, inside of this box, a cat, along with something that could kill this cat; say, a radioactive atom. You would not know if this cat was dead or alive until you opened the box. So you must say this cat is both dead and alive, until you open the box; at which point you know which it is. But until you do that, until you open the box, this cat is both dead and alive.”
This cat listens to the speaker claim he is both dead and alive, dead and alive, dead and alive. He pushes on the lid of the box, and it does not budge. The trace of light feeding into the box evaporates, and soon the box is rumbling again in the back of the truck.
At some point, the rumbling ceases, and the box is jostled some more, in various directions, and with an abrupt thud, all motion finally ends.
This cat sits inside of the box, lying awake or asleep as the hours pass. He wonders if he will be found dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive. He remembers the lecture, and reminds himself that he should be patient. Because until that moment, when the box is opened, he is both dead and alive, dead and alive, dead and alive.